


Only You Can Love Me This Way

by Diary



Category: London Spy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Different First Meeting, Alternate Universe - Pre-Canon, Awkward Conversations, Bechdel Test Fail, Canon Gay Character, Families of Choice, Friendship/Love, Late Night Conversations, M/M, Minor Character Death, Mystery Character(s), POV Multiple, Romance, Stealth Crossover
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-08
Updated: 2016-04-08
Packaged: 2018-06-01 00:14:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,697
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6493393
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Diary/pseuds/Diary
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Danny meets Alex in a bar. Complete.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Only You Can Love Me This Way

**Author's Note:**

> I do not own London Spy.

Downing his drink, Danny reflects, I’ve got to stop going to Rich’s.

Near him, a man sits down. “A hard apple cider, please.”

Danny glances over.

The handsome man wears his suit and the colour black like a second skin, but Danny instinctively knows he’s coming from or planning to go to a funeral.

Paying for his drink, Danny gets up to leave.

“Excuse me? Is that your jacket?”

Looking other and following the other man's eyes, Danny sees his jacket is still draped over the chair. “Oh, yeah. Um, thanks.”

Once Danny’s slipped it on, the man offers his hand. “I’m Alistair Turner. Alex.”

Shaking the hand, he answers, “Daniel.”

He’s never gone by Daniel, and being called ‘Dan’ always reminds him of his mum, but when was the last time a grieving stranger in a bar wanted or needed to know Danny?

Gesturing to the suit, he asks, “Funeral?”

Alex nods. “My mother.”

“Oh, I’m sorry.”

Shaking his head, Alex takes small sips of his drink. “My feelings toward her have always been complicated.”

And now, you’ll never fully be able to work them out, Danny thinks in sympathy. “Wish there was something I could say, but unless hearing about a stranger’s horrible relationship with his would help, there really isn’t. Take care of yourself, alright?”

Alex looks at him. “It might help.”

Shrugging, Danny sits down. “Definitely not hitting on you by saying this, but I’m gay. And actually, when it comes to that, my parents were ahead of their time. They might not have particularly liked it, but they didn’t really care. They made sure I understood about being safe and never cared if I brought boys around as long as the boy was polite and we were quiet.”

He sighs. “For everything else though- I have no idea why they decided to have a kid. I guess it was just the thing married couples did back then. My dad could be mean, and my mum just didn’t get anything she thought she might’ve wanted or needed out of me. Still, I stayed until I was nineteen. I’ve talked to her one time since then.”

“I am too,” Alex says. “Homosexual. I never told Frances, but it wouldn’t surprise me if she’d known or suspected.”

“Your mum?”

Alex nods.

Danny considers his next words. “If this is too depressing or personal, you don’t need to go into it, but can I ask what your beliefs about the afterlife are?”

“I’m agnostic,” Alex answers. With no trace of bragging in his voice, he continues, “I’m very good with numbers. Some people have claimed to calculate the probability of the existence or non-existence of deities. I never have been able to. I know even less about the concept of souls. If they do exist and there is another plane of existence for them to go to, I hope it’s a good one. If a place such as Hell exists, I highly doubt she’d end up stuck there. Aside from Frances being a good person, she was extremely intelligent, resourceful, and forceful.”

“That’s good,” Danny says. “I definitely believe in souls, but everything else- I don’t know. I used to believe in God. Then, I thought about what I would do if I had that sort of power, and free will, I understand, but- if I could make sure no little kid was ever hurt, no one went hungry or died terrible, painful deaths, no one had to feel so alone they thought there was only one terrible way left to get free, if I could do all that and didn’t, I’d consider myself the worst person ever. So, I can’t completely say there is no God, but I find it easier to go with science made us, and souls are just another part of that. I like to believe they still exist in some form after we die, but I can’t say for sure they do.”

Alex finishes his drink. “What if I wanted- Do you find me- interesting?”

Studying him, Danny tries to work out the meaning behind the fumbling words. Alex isn’t terrified, but he’s somewhere in the neighbourhood of it.

His mind lands on his assurance he wasn’t hitting on Alex.

“Yeah,” he answers, “and if you want my number, you can have it, but mixing sex with grief, especially with a stranger-”

“Would you appreciate someone else making that decision for you?”

“Well- first, I’m not the only man you’ll run into tonight. I couldn’t stop you from going with one of them even if I had more of relationship with you than two strangers talking in a bar and wanted to. As for the other, whether you have a point or not, I’ve done a lot of stupid things in my life. Some of them turned out alright, some of them I regret, and some of them were just stupid things. One or two of them turned out good, but that doesn’t change the fact they were stupid. Not that I’m calling you stupid, I promise, but however smart you are, grief is one of those things that can make people do things they’d never do under normal circumstances.”

Signalling the bartender, Alex hands the money over. “Thank you.” Adjusting his tie, he stands. “Have a good night, Daniel.”

Watching him walk away, Danny has a sinking feeling in his stomach.

He knows Alex is going to find another man. He knows, logically, he’s done the right thing, and if Alex ends up doing something regretful, it has nothing to do with him.

The vague smell of other desperate boys and Rich’s disgusting cologne is still clinging to him, and even if Alex does regret it, this would be a step up for Danny himself: Meeting someone in a bar, talking a bit beforehand, and then, having hopefully normal sex.

Over the years, he’s gotten good at sensing what men will like, if they have less-than-conventional tastes, and if they tend towards extremes. He hadn’t gotten much of read on what Alex might like, but nothing had pinged either. He does know Alex’s, so far, only had the one drink and didn’t seem to have anything else in his system.

One drink might be too much to drive on, but if not for the grief, given Alex’s size, Danny wouldn’t worry about possibly taking advantage.

The thought hits him, If I don’t, he might find himself in a dangerous situation.

Worry for Alex and shame at himself flood him. Though his brain has a point, trying to justify his desire for sex with the idea it’d be for a grief-stricken man’s benefit-

Going outside, he sighs when he sees Alex waiting for a cab.

If this is another stupid thing, what’s one more, really, he decides.

Walking over, he says, “Hey.”

Alex glances over.

“So, my room is tiny, I have two flatmates, we technically have two bathrooms, but only one works, and if you want to stick around until morning, I’ll make breakfast. Just, please, try to make sure that you’re not doing something you really don’t want. If we get there and you decide against it, I’d like some assurance you’d tell me. The stupid things I’ve done have hardly ever been cruel, and when it comes to sex, I’ve always tried my best to make sure it was something the other person wanted to be having with me.”

Briefly thinking of the ad, he decides his words still apply.

“I give you my assurance,” Alex replies.

“Fancy coming over, then?”

…

When they get to his room, he sees Alex taking in the messiness and says, “This is much tidier than it normally is.”

Alex doesn’t answer, and Danny gets the feeling he’s starting to regret this.

“I’m going to take a shower real quick. Make yourself comfortable.” Or just leave, he silently adds.

…

Alex is looking through some of Sara’s photos when Danny comes out, and Danny sees he’s cleared off the bed.

He stands up, and Danny moves over to take his hand.

Carefully, Danny kisses him, and though tentative, Alex quickly deepens it.

…

It was nice, but Danny can’t help thinking, Please, please, tell me I didn’t just take someone’s virginity.

Hopefully, he tells himself, Alex has slept with one or two women, at least.

Next to him, Alex shifts, and the streetlights outside the window illuminate his face enough Danny can see the questions he feels the need to ask: Was it good? Was I? Did you like it?

Moving closer, he puts an arm around Alex, reaches up to touch his face, and when Alex turns his head, Danny kisses him. “Alright?”

Alex nods. “Thank you.”

Setting his head down, Danny rests his chin against Alex’s shoulder.

…

In the morning, Pavel comes out of his room, sees Alex, and comments, “Well, this one is certainly one of the quietest you’ve ever-”

Throwing a dishtowel at Pavel’s face, he gives Alex an apologetic look. “Don’t mind him, he isn’t a proper member of the human race before his coffee. Which reminds me, did Sara sleep with you?”

Shaking his head, Pavel heads for the coffee cabinet. “For once, I’m not complaining. If you could find more like him-”

“Before you make that, do I need to text Sara?”

“If I’ve interpreted her text correctly,” Pavel tosses his mobile over, “she’s having breakfast with some bloke she picked up. I swear, we need to get a cryptanalyst.”

Alex looks between them.

“Yeah, from what I can gather, same,” Danny says. “As for the other, they probably cost too much, and since I think most of them are government-trained, they might feel compelled to throw us all in jail.”

Starting the coffee, Pavel wanders towards the loo.

“Sorry for him,” Danny says. “Um, our flatmate, Sara, she literally gets sick if she smells coffee, and if she ever meets someone who can decode her texts with just one reading, she probably ought to marry that person. Pavel, the one you just met, he’s the reason there’s no tea. Allergic.”

Alex nods. “Are they together?”

“No,” Danny answers. He tries to figure out what would give Alex such an impression. When they’re seen together, most people tend to think they’re brother and sister. “Oh, the whole her sleeping in his room- No. The three of us don’t exactly always come home sober, and we tend to try to find a bed or couch occupied with a body when we don’t.”

Alex politely nods and doesn’t make excuses to rush out the door.

…

Danny tells Scottie what happened. “I gave him my number,” he finishes.

“That rather defeats the purpose of a fake name, doesn’t it?”

“No. Just because I go by Danny, Daniel is my name, and who else is going to answer my mobile?” It takes less than a second of thought for him to declare, “I stand by the first part.”

Scottie shakes his head. “You’ve already started to fall for him, haven’t you?”

“No, I really haven’t. I had a nice shag with a fit man who didn’t make it clear how messed up he likely found my life. If he calls, great, but if he doesn’t, it’s a nice memory. I have actually been trying to be more sensible about things.”

Which is why you went to Rich, isn’t it, some self-vindictive part inquires.

Danny’s never quite decided if he believes in parallel worlds or not, but if there are, he’s sure there’s some version of him who has things together. He’s also sure there’s some version of him who keeps pathetically clinging to dreams of true love, fate, and happily ever after.

There was a time he was absolutely sure he’d find someone someday, and he couldn’t begin to understand how it felt for people who didn’t have such surety.

“Danny,” Scottie softly says.

“What?”

“Being sensible isn’t usually a problem for you.”

He sighs. “But being a dreamer is. I love falling in love.”

“Sometimes, heartbreak can make us stronger,” Scottie comments. “The problem isn’t with you, not really. Monogamy simply isn’t for most people, gay, straight, or otherwise. It was used to control women and make powerful alliances in the past, and in many ways, the idea of it is still used to shame women and gay men. However, there are people like you who genuinely could be happy only sleeping with one person for the rest of their life. You want a life of domesticity so badly. It wouldn’t chafe on you like it does so many others.”

“I just can’t help but think I’m not the only one who’s like this,” Danny says.

“You aren’t,” Scottie promises. “Your problem is that, when you meet someone interesting, for all your talent at reading people, you can’t help but imaging, surely, they could want the same, if given time and attention.”

“Right,” he says. “Well, if he calls, I’m not doing that this time.”

…

A week later, the buzzer wakes Danny up, and he vaguely hears Sara calling she’ll get it.

“Danny, it’s for you!”

“Not here,” he mumbles.

“And since when do you go by Daniel?”

He almost hits his head in his effort to get out of bed and to the door as fast as possible.

Sara’s smirking as Alex stands uncomfortably in the doorway.

“Thank you, Sara. Isn’t it afternoon in Ukraine? Why don’t you go call Pavel?”

“Actually, it’s-”

He gently pushes her towards her room. “Please, leave.”

She digs her heels in, kisses his cheek, and says, “Good luck, love.”

“Thanks, Sara.”

She disappears into her room.

He turns back to Alex. “And that was Sara. I usually go by Danny. I just decided not to that night. Uh, I promise, I wasn’t trying to give you a fake name. Not that I’m not glad you’re here, but why are you here?”

Somehow, Alex manages not to look as if he’s desperately trying to figure out the same thing.

…

Walking around the country, Danny notices Alex is more at ease than he has been since they met.

When they sit down to eat, Danny says, “Tell me about yourself.”

“I went to university at fifteen.”

Impressed but feeling as if this must have been lonely, Danny asks, “So, a proper genius, then?”

Alex nods.

“And what do you do now?”

“I have an interview for an accounting position at Jameson, Kline, and Newton’s law firm tomorrow.”

“If you want it, I hope you get it,” Danny says. “What did you do before?”

For a long moment, Alex hesitates.

“You don’t have to-”

“I worked for GCHQ. I wasn’t a spy, but I can’t tell you what exactly I did do.”

And somehow, you ended up in the company of a person like me. Just like Scottie, he thinks in bewildered amusement.

“I won’t ask,” he promises. “I’m guessing it didn’t work out that well for you, though?”

“It’s what Frances wanted.”

“Ah,” he says. “Well, I hope your next one is better. I never stick around at one job for very long. Maybe this one, I’m working in a warehouse, will be different, but it probably won’t.”

Unlike Scottie’s quiet exasperation, Pavel’s carefully concealed disgust, and Sara’s unhidden pity, Alex sincere response is, “I hope you find something you truly enjoy soon.”

Leaning over, Danny kisses him.

Alex pulls away.

“Sorry,” Danny immediately says.

Shaking his head, Alex says, “I’ve never- been in a relationship before. I don’t even know if this qualifies as one.”

“If you want it to, it can,” Danny says. “If you don’t, it doesn’t.”

“What about what you want?”

He barely keeps himself from laughing. “Um, sorry, that question was just a bit of a surprise.”

Tracing the ground with his fingers, he continues, “The thing is, a lot of those stupid things I’ve done involved men in some form or other. I stayed at home for so long because I really didn’t want to be alone. I know this isn’t a good thing, but whenever I find someone who wants a relationship with me, I always want it back. And it usually ends badly, but- Could we start this conversation over slightly?”

Giving him a nonplussed look, Alex answers, “Yes.”

“I like you, and if you want to try a relationship, I’d like that. If you don’t, though, that’s fine. It’s not really going to hurt me.”

“I’d like that.”

Nodding, Danny takes his hand. “Okay. We should talk about what this means. Do you want to go first?”

“No.”

“For right now, I think it’d be best if we agreed that we can both see other people. If it starts to get more serious, we can talk about being exclusive. If we do get more serious, I have another really close friend, Scottie. He meets all of my serious boyfriends, and um, he doesn’t tend to have much tact when he does. Honestly, there’s yet to be one he’s liked. But I don’t make my decisions about my relationships with him in mind, I just think him and whoever I’m with should have some general knowledge of one another.”

“What do Pavel and Sara think of me?”

“They don’t know much about you, but they aren’t like Scottie.”

One boyfriend had hit him and ended up getting beat up in a dark alley soon after. He insisted Pavel was responsible, and in response, Pavel had shown his non-bruised knuckles and knees.

There is absolutely no basis for the suspicion, and so, Danny tends to think it’s just a form of wishful thinking on his part (even though he wouldn’t wish such a thing on anyone), but he’s always had an unexplainable feeling Pavel _did_ have something to do with it.

“And that’s all on my side, for right now, at least.”

He waits for Alex to talk.

Finally, Alex says, “You don’t need to tell me anything, but please, don’t lie to me. There are things I can’t tell you, but I won’t lie. I’ve been around lies all my life. People find me odd and call me cold and standoffish, but unlike them- I’ve only ever lied when my job required it, and I’ve never felt anything but guilty doing it.”

Sympathy floods Danny. He nods. “I don’t know you well enough to know whether you’re odd or not, but you’ve never struck me as cold or standoffish. If you’re odd, though, that’s fine. It’s really all a matter of understanding people, anyway, isn’t it? And sometimes, not understanding certain things can make other people interesting.”

Alex looks at him with soft, searching eyes, and then, a smile appears.

It’s beautiful.

Alex asks, “Could I kiss you?”

“Yeah,” Danny agrees. He scoots closer. “That’s something you don’t need to ask.”

Slowly, Alex leans forward and does.

…

Next Saturday, he hears, “Danny, it’s that Alex bloke!”

Detangling himself from underneath Pavel’s arm, Danny carefully stands up and waits for the room to stop swirling before going to her bedroom.

“It’s a stupid law,” Sara declares.

“Oh, please, don’t tell me you’re already arguing politics with my boyfriend,” he half-moans.

He briefly wonders if they even are. Alex hasn’t called since their country walk, and not sure if it’d be welcomed or not, Danny has managed to restrain himself from calling, either.

“No, he agrees with me.” She tosses him the phone.

Making way to his own bedroom, he says, “Hey, Alex. Um, sorry about whatever that was. Honestly, I’m not even sure why Sara had my mobile.”

For a long moment, Alex is quiet.

“Alex?”

“I was wondering if you’d like to have dinner with me sometime in the near future.”

The words are- he wonders if Alex is reading them off a card, and he wonders if Alex has ever asked another person out before.

Probably not, he realises.

He doesn’t know enough about a dead woman to know whether he should lay this on her or not. For all he’ll generally agree the dead deserve a special type of respect, he’s always found it wrong when abusers and other types of truly bad people were spoken well of after death and the harm they caused was glossed over or completely ignored.

“That sounds great,” he answers. “When did you have in mind? Aside from tonight, I’m free all week, but if sometime next week is better for you, I can probably arrange it.”

“Tomorrow,” Alex suggests. “When would be a good time?”

“Actually, whenever you want to come over is good with me. Um, where were you thinking? I like almost anything, but it needs to be somewhere reasonably priced.”

“What do you consider to be reasonably priced?”

Giving him a list of nearby places, Danny explains what they offer.

“The pub sounds nice,” Alex says.

“Great! Just call before you come over, and I should be ready by the time you get here.”

“Okay. Goodbye.”

“Bye,” he replies.

…

He’s licking vinegar off his fingers and cursing the awkward silence that’s been permeating the whole date when Alex abruptly asks, “Those bad choices you’ve made in men, why did you make them?”

Shrugging, he answers, “I wish I had an answer for every time. Some of them, I thought I was making a good choice until I got a nasty wakeup call. Some of them, I was just determined to ignore the fact I was making a bad one. And- like I said, my relationship with my parents has never been good. Loneliness and I know each other well. Add in the fact I used to believe in soulmates and was desperate to find mine, and well, you’ve got a recipe for disaster.”

Alex studies him, and Danny’s struck by how beautifully unnerving Alex’s gaze can be. “I’ve never believed in soulmates.”

“Good for you,” Danny says. “I wish I still did.”

“Why?”

“Because, it’s a nice thought.”

“I don’t understand how people can consider it to be.”

Suddenly, Danny remembers some webcomic artist posting a rant about why the idea of soulmates was scientifically and mathematically unlikely and breaking down some of the negative implications people would likely face if they were real.

Danny’s understanding of it had mostly come down to: There are a lot of people in the world, the chances of soulmates meeting, never mind speaking the same language, was slim, and if everyone focused on finding their soulmate, they might miss having a great relationship with an awesome person right in front of them.

The one part to truly make him consider the artist’s point was: Being soulmates wouldn’t be much help in say, a Hindu boy from a conservative community in India and a Jewish American of either gender from a liberal family trying to forge a functional relationship. 

“I can’t speak for other people, but for me: I want to be special to someone. I used to dream of meeting this boy, getting to know him, and knowing I’d never want or need anyone else. And neither would he. Because, even if on paper, someone else was better for us, no one could love us as much as we loved each other. Guess I probably don’t need to add that I used to be the type that believed love really was this great, powerful thing that was always good and could overcome anything.”

It really shouldn’t have taken twenty something years of being hurt by people he loved and witnessing incredibly unhealthy relationships up close and personal to realise otherwise, he’ll admit.

Recalling the music his mum listened to when he was little, though, if it had any effect on his ideas, England might have produced the four, but as far as Danny’s concerned, the popularity of The Beatles is strictly on the Americans.

Alex looks contemplative.

…

When they get back to the flat, Pavel is arguing in Ukraine on the phone, and Sara’s door has a bio-hazard sign on it.

Taking Alex to his room, Danny locks the door.

As soon as he’s done, Alex is kissing him.

Danny lets himself enjoy it until Alex starts to back over towards the bed.

Pulling away but keeping a hand around Alex’s arm, he says, “Let’s try some other things. If you don’t like something, we’ll stop and not try it again. For the things you do like, we’ll know in the future.”

“Okay,” Alex agrees.

There’s a bit of nervousness in his voice, and Danny reaches over to kiss him again.

In truth, Danny wishes he’d thought of doing other things on the night they met. Virginity has different layers to different people, but whatever Alex has or hasn’t done with other people, Danny highly doubts anyone male could rationalise themselves as ‘still virginal’ after what they did.

Leading Alex over to the bed, he grabs the box of condoms.

…

In the morning, Pavel sees Alex patiently cutting up Sara’s pancakes and asks, “Seriously, where’d you find one so quiet?”

Danny throws the dishtowel at him.

“Thanks,” Sara blearily mutters. “I wasn’t actually going to cut myself, you know.”

Alex doesn’t respond, but Danny notices, somehow, Sara’s silverware has been replaced with a plastic spoon and fork and all the regular silverware is out of easy reach from her.

Either Alex has a ‘fixing people’ thing, or he’s soon going to get up the courage to politely break things off, Danny decides.

Sitting down, Pavel pours some orange juice. “So, mystery boy, what do you do?”

“You know his name is Alex,” Danny interjects.

“I’ve recently been hired for an accounting position at Jameson, Kline, and Newton’s law firm."

“Uh-huh, and what’s their number?”

“Call his work, and-” Danny starts but is interrupted by Sara reaching over to pinch him.

“I don’t mind,” Alex says. “Do you need some pen and paper?”

“No, I’m good with numbers,” Pavel answers.

The look on Alex’s face isn’t exactly impressed, but Danny has the feeling Alex and Pavel have just found something in common.

Finishing the eggs and bacon, Danny sits down and starts filling the plates.

Sara grimaces. “No bacon."

…

“You really shouldn’t have given Pavel that number. Unless it was a fake, in which case, good thinking.”

“He’s worried about your involvement with me,” Alex says. “If I can alleviate that-”

“He might cause actual problems with your job.”

“I doubt that,” is Alex’s calm reply.

Sighing, Dany opens the door to Alex’s car. “See you later tonight?”

“Yes.”

Leaning over, Danny kisses him.

…

Danny wakes up, feels the cool emptiness next to him, and thinks, _he couldn’t have waited until morning and broken up with me properly?_

Then, his ears adjust, and he can hear the faint breathing.

Rolling over, he sees Alex is sitting next to the window and doing something with his fingers.

Grumbling, Danny leaves the warm bed.

“Did I wake you?” Alex asks.

Shaking his head and trying not to shiver, Danny asks, “Are you okay?”

“Yes. I have insomnia."

“Oh. How bad?”

“I’m surprised I managed to sleep the other times I was here,” Alex answers. “I used to run every morning and most nights. Since Frances- I haven’t.”

Tugging on his hand, Danny leads him back to bed, curls back underneath the sheets, and asks, “Medicine?”

“Unless it becomes absolutely necessary, I’m not going to start medication.”

“Alright, well, besides running, what else is there that might help?”

“Nothing. If it bothers you-”

“It doesn’t bother me,” Danny assures him. “I just wish there was something I could do. Do you want to talk for a bit?”

“You need sleep.”

“Everyone needs sleep,” he points out. “You have no idea how many nights I stayed up all night, went to work, came here and crash for an hour or two, and then, went right back out and repeat. No insomnia for me, I was just used to getting around with little sleep and who knows what in my system. Um, speaking of, yeah, there have been drugs in my past.”

“I strongly suspected.”

“And that doesn’t bother you?”

Alex is quiet for a long moment. “There’s much I don’t understand about you, but I- enjoy your company. I hope our respective choices aren’t a barrier, but there’s no guarantee. Right now, they aren’t for me.”

Exhaling, Danny starts tracing one of Alex’s hands with his fingers. “Lie down, and talk to me. Can you tell me about this job?”

“Yes. I’m not sure you’d find it very interesting, however.”

“That’s alright,” Danny says. Easing Alex back under the covers, he wraps around him. “Tell me, anyways.”

…

In the early morning, Alex goes for a run. 

…

A week later, Pavel glances up when Alex gets out from the shower and, before Danny can stop him, asks, “Don’t you have a home of your own?”

Sara’s got him covered, though, and immediately tackles Pavel to the ground.

“You know the drill, just ignore him,” Danny apologetically tells Alex.

…

Later, however, when he and Alex are out walking, he says, “Um, about what Pavel said this morning- I’ve never really asked about that.”

“After I quit my last job, I checked into a hotel. The flat belonged to my employers.”

“Okay," he says, "I know this might be moving a bit fast, so, there’s really no pressure intended, but if you wanted to actually, uh, move in for right now, that would be good. I mean, you wouldn’t have to go get things from the hotel, and even though Pavel’s still being a prick, he actually wouldn’t mind. Sara likes you.”

She’s a little annoyed at Alex’s ability to somehow keep any knives completely out of her reach, but she actually prefers the way he cuts her food to the way she does.

“I’d like that.”

Danny grins.  

…

Unsurprisingly, Scottie doesn’t share his enthusiasm.

“You met this man less than a month ago, and already, he’s moving into your bedroom.”

“If it helps at all, this one is really different from all the others. Absolutely no drugs, he doesn’t drink, and he doesn’t even smoke. Respectable job. I’m not quite sure what to make of him and Sara, but he’s definitely not the ‘I’m going to try really hard to be straight’ type.”

“You met him in a bar.”

“Where he had one hard apple cider after just attending his mum’s funeral. And he has insomnia but refuses to take medicine.”

“You aren’t helping whatever case you’re trying to make.”

“Scottie,” he sighs. “Please. Maybe he’ll be another mistake, but right now, I’m happy.”

“Well, there’s that.” Scottie raises his glass slightly. “When will I be meeting him?”

“Hopefully soon. Thanks, Scottie.”

“Of course.”

…

Sara and Pavel are out when Alex is fully moved in, and the celebration ends up in the shower where they both discover Alex really likes shower sex.

…

One morning, Sara quietly notes, “Even with the others, you never made breakfast every morning, and you never made dinner as much as you are now.”

“If you’re complaining-”

“No,” Sara says. “So far, Alex seems like a decent bloke. It’s nice to see you so happy.”

He kisses her. “Thanks, Sara.”

…

When Alex gets home, Danny can immediately tell something’s on his mind.

After dinner, they go for their nightly walk, and Alex finally says, “A month ago, I told my superior I had a boyfriend. Today, she asked about having you and I over for dinner with her family.”

“That was nice of her,” Danny neutrally comments. “How do you feel about this?”

“My experiences with children have never been good, and I’m worried about how you feel about this.”

“Why,” he gently asks.

“I don’t know.”

He takes Alex’s hand. “I can see how you might have had trouble with kids when you were one, but I think you’ll be fine, now. If you want me to come, I’d love to. If you don’t, that’s fine.”

He’s not sure it would be, but- part of him is still waiting for Alex to realise, _I’m living in the bedroom of a warehouse worker who has one flatmate who called my job and another flatmate whose, despite her being a grown woman, food I cut up_ and come to his senses.

Danny hasn’t seen anyone else since the night he met Alex, but he has no way of knowing if it’s the same for Alex or not.

Aware he probably should have asked for exclusivity, he also knows, for once in a long time, he’s in a happy, functional relationship, and he’s going to try to keep it for as long as he can.

“I’d like for you to come.”

“Great,” Danny says. “I’m free anytime, just find out when is best for her.”

Alex leans over to kiss him.

…

When they get back, he goes to Pavel’s room.

Pavel looks up from the cards he’s shuffling. “What’s up?”

Sitting on the bed, Danny says, “I need you to help me find a suit.”

“Why?”

“Alex’s boss has invited us over for dinner. Not sure when, yet.”

Abandoning the cards, Pavel comes to sit on the bed. “It’s properly serious, then, isn’t it?”

He nods.

“Okay,” Pavel says. “Do you know what suit and tie he’ll be wearing?”

“Uh, no. Should I?”

Grinning, Pavel shakes his head and pulls him into a hug. “I’ll help.”

…

When the night actually comes, Danny finds himself silently cursing Pavel and wondering why he didn’t go to Scottie. Alex had said he didn’t need to wear a suit, and he’s starting to think it might be better not to.

Alex is wearing one of his many black suits and ties.

Danny- is stuck with brown slacks, a brown tie with yellow dots, and a black jacket. It fits properly and has no holes or tears, but it wouldn’t take a snob to see it’s not anywhere near the style and quality of Alex’s. 

“Do you want me to help with your tie?”

Glancing over, he feels the bad feelings float away. Alex, he realises, genuinely doesn’t have a problem with the suit.

“Yeah, thanks,” he answers.

Alex comes behind him, and watching in the mirror and feeling Alex’s gentle care, a feeling more than a thought flits through him of, _I might be in love._

…

After they get home from Alex’s boss’s and Danny has double checked the car to make sure the youngest daughter, a little monkey by the name of Ann Marie, hasn’t somehow stowed inside, he asks, “When would be a good time for you and Scottie to meet?”

All the kids had liked them, but Ann Marie had decided little things such as Alex patiently explaining, if he did marry, it’d be to another man shouldn’t get in the way of her plans to marry Alex.

He’s not sure what to do about the fact he finds himself wanting the exact same thing, but he supposes having Scottie and Alex meet has now become essential.

But I don’t even know if I believe in marriage, is his helpless thought.

…

Watching DVDs doesn’t actually help Alex sleep, but it does help him physically relax and somewhat calm his thoughts, and though Danny can sleep through DVDs playing, he never falls into quite as deep a sleep, and therefore, is more likely to know if Alex needs something during the night.

Tonight, they’re watching some Ukrainian movie about a nun. Alex, to Pavel’s irritation, knows Ukraine. Danny doesn’t, but he prefers coming up with his own interpretation of what’s going on rather than having subtitles, anyways.

He starts slightly when Alex touches the back of his neck.

“Danny?”

“Sorry, what is it?”

“Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, fine,” he answers. “Um, just nervous, I guess.”

It’s not exactly a lie, but remembering his promise to Alex, he knows he needs to do better.

Sitting up, he looks at the soft, concerned expression on Alex’s face.

“Remember how I said Scottie could lack tact when it came to my boyfriends?”

“Yes.”

“Well, before you meet him tomorrow, there are somethings I want you to know from me.”

“Are you genuinely worried he’d tell me things you didn’t want him to?”

“Scottie is even more of a friend than Sara and Pavel are. But yes. It might not be right, but honestly, I can’t blame him. He’s been looking out for me for years, and part of that has been saying things I didn’t like to stop bad relationships from progressing. Not that I’m saying we’re a bad relationship, I promise, just, he might say things to see how you take hearing them, and I guess that’s fair, but I’d rather you hear them from me while we’re alone.”

Alex nods.

Taking a breath, Danny starts with the ad.

By the time everything is out, he feels exhausted, prickly inside, and almost painfully hopeful.

Propping himself up, Alex kisses him, and half-afraid he might sob, Danny melts into it.

Laying back down, Alex tugs him along. “Thank you for telling me.”

“Thank you for-” He finds he’s not sure how to finish the sentence.

“I’m sorry you’ve been hurt and unhappy, but otherwise, I don’t care, Danny. In some instances, I understand why a person’s past should be used as a measurement of judgement, but in other instances, I’ve never been able to. You never intentionally hurt anyone, and what you find fun and exciting is often different from what I do. We both knew that from the beginning.”

“Yeah, but I’m not like that, anymore,” Danny says. “I just- most people would doubt that.”

“Why?”

“I’m not sure I can answer.”

“It’s a fact that people undergo changes, sometime minor and sometimes dramatic. No one is ever completely the same as they were in the past.”

I love you, Danny finally allows himself to admit in the privacy of his own head.

…

There’s a brief flash of something between Alex and Scottie, but he can’t decipher it.

He figures everything is going well enough until Scottie inquires, “And what did you do before you took your current job?”

“Scottie, I told you, there’s a good reason you shouldn’t ask that!”

“A good reason you refuse to share.”

“GCHQ,” Alex calmly says. “I’m sure you can understand why I can’t go into further detail.”

Scottie gives Danny a look Danny knows means he’s going to be hearing a lot about this once they’re alone.

“I work in Whitehall,” Scottie says. “I know many people from MI5 and 6 and other classified government positions. Most of them are people I can sleep a little easier at night knowing they’re dedicated to ensuring the safety of this country and her citizens. Most of them I would object most strongly to living with Danny as a platonic flatmate, never mind a romantic partner. Tell me, is there anything aside from your change in employment that makes you different?”

If there could suddenly just be an easily containable fire that doesn’t hurt anyone or damage anything, Danny finds himself desperately wishing.

“Yes,” Alex answers. “I joined because my mother wanted that for me. I was good at my job, but I never fit in. I’ve never lied to Danny, and I could never hurt him. He’s the closest friend I’ve ever had, and being with him is more fulfilling than anything I did or received at my previous job.”

Suddenly, Scottie chuckles. “I’m pleased for you. I’m pleased for both of you.”

Danny lets out a small breath.

…

A workmate is having a party at a pub when he meets the eyes of a bloke and finds himself slipping out with him.

He can’t say why.

…

After it’s over, he waits until he’s relatively sure he won’t cry and calls Alex.

“Hey,” he says.

“Danny,” Alex greets. “Do you need a ride home?”

“No,” he manages to answer. “Um, some stuff happened, and I’ll tell you about it later, but right now, I need to talk to Scottie. I might stay the night at his place.”

“Is there anything you need or want me to do?”

“Not right now. I’ll call you later, okay?”

“Okay,” Alex agrees.

…

“Danny,” Scottie greets.

He wishes everyone would stop sounding so happy when they say his name.

“Could I please borrow your shower? Random, I know, and I promise I’ll explain later, but right now-”

Scottie gives him a concerned, curious look. “Of course. You know where the towels are. Do I need to pop your clothes in the washer?”

“No,” he answers. “Thanks.”

…

Sitting in the living room, he runs his barefoot against Scottie’s soft carpet. “I was with someone earlier. Someone who wasn’t Alex.”

“Oh. Well, I won’t pretend I’m not surprised, but cheating-”

“It wasn’t cheating. We agreed it was okay to see other people,” he says. “Except, for the fact it was cheating.”

Groaning, he buries his head in his hands. “I’ve been in open relationships before, and being with other people has never felt like this. Why does it feel like this?”

“You know the answer,” is Scottie’s firm but still sympathetic response.

“Well, then, why did I do it?”

“That I don’t know. Do you think you could tell me why?”

He shakes his head.

“Danny, look at me,” Scottie gently orders.

He does.

“Tell me why you did it.”

“I don’t- it wasn’t just one thing. We’ve never had an argument. I love him, I want to spend the rest of my life with him, and I’ve been so, almost unbelievably happy. So, uh, of course I had to go and muck everything up.”

“Do you think he’ll take it badly?”

“In all honesty, it doesn’t matter if he does or doesn’t. Because I’ve never cheated, you know I never have, and however many mistakes I’ve made, that was never one of them. I’ve been tempted, but when I promised monogamy, I always took a step back. The farthest I ever went was dancing with another guy in a club. And with Alex, I’ve never been tempted. I didn’t really want- he didn’t hurt me. I completely made the choice to do everything, but I was choosing to do something that I didn’t really want to do. Instead of walking away, though, I- didn’t.”

Scottie sighs. “I wish I could understand. There are times you’re so sure of everything. I always thought when you finally found someone who gave you everything you wanted, you’d never hesitate.”

“So did I,” he admits.

“Are you going to tell him?”

“I have to. I promised I’d never lie to him.”

“Omission isn’t-”

“Scottie,” he says. “We both know I have to tell him. Whether keeping it a secret counts as a lie or not, it’s too important not to tell.”

“Would you like to stay the night, at least?”

“Thank you,” he breathes out.

…

In the morning, he asks, “What if he doesn’t love me? I know you don’t really like to talk about old boyfriends, and I’m sorry, but there must have been someone you loved who didn’t love you back. How do you handle that sort of thing?”

Giving a wry chuckle, Scottie pours him some more tea. “I suppose it depends on what he’s willing to give you and what you’re capable of accepting from him. Mine is a friend. Not someone you’re likely to ever shake hands with, but the present tense still holds. In some ways, I knew him better than he knew himself. There was a time I could have had him. And,” he sighs heavily, “I’m only human, Danny. Of course, I was greatly tempted.”

“But I knew I wasn’t what he wanted or needed. Not in that way. So, I was his friend. I always will be. It’s not something one should be commended for, not manipulating someone in exchange for the eventual payoff, but with that said, until someone has been in that situation, they can’t know how hard and painful it can be.”

“I’m aware this is hardly comparable to your situation, but you asked for my story, and there it is. If Alex doesn’t love you, you’ll get over it. Not quickly. Not completely. But enough to carry on. Trust me on that.”

“And if he does love me?”

“Then, you’re lucky you’re the sort of person who doesn’t make the same mistake twice.”

Sighing, he says, “Thanks, Scottie.”

Scottie nods.

“This mate- did you lose contact with him?”

“It’s a little more complicated than that,” Scottie answers. “All I can say is that, someday, I hope I’ll visit him or he’ll visit me, and he’ll finally be happy. I’ll know he’s as safe as he possibly can be. And if that ever comes, I’ll hug the man who gave him that.”

“Now,” he finishes, “I need to get to work.” He stands up. “Stay for as long as you want. And I wish you luck.”

Standing, Danny hugs him.

…

He showers again just before Alex gets home.

When Alex reaches out for him, he can’t help but move away. Hating himself for the hurt, confusion in Alex’s eyes, he says, “We need to talk.”

Instead of changing out of his suit, Alex simply sits down on the bed, removes his shoes, and moves up to lean against the headboard.

Facing Alex, he sits near the edge of the bed.

“At my workmate’s party, I left with someone. We did things.”

Alex’s face doesn’t change. “Did you enjoy it?”

He can’t stop his bitter laugh. “No. I chose to do it, but it was a mistake. Would you please react like a normal human?”

“How does a normal human react?”

“I’m sorry,” Danny miserably tells him. “That- that was low. How do you feel about this, Alex?”

“Right now, I’m more worried about you than anything else.”

“Shouldn’t have expected anything different,” he mutters. Taking a breath, he looks over. “This is probably the worst time ever, never mind the worst way, to say this, but: I love you, Alex. I’m in love with you. And I don’t know why I went with him. I hate the thought of anyone else touching you. I haven’t lied to you, but, uh, there might have been some things I should have said before this point that I didn’t. Your turn, please, say something.”

“Give me a moment,” Alex says.

Finally, he says, “I’m in love with you, too.”

Danny knows he can’t keep lashing out.

Saying, _Oh, sure say that as if you’re commenting on the weather_ , or, _you’ve never been with anyone else, I’m pretty sure you were a virgin, you can’t possibly know that_ wouldn’t help anything.

“I haven’t been with anyone but you. I don’t like the thought of what you did, but- We agreed we both had the right to see other people. It doesn’t make me want to stop being with you.”

Danny finally feels as if he might be able to breathe just a tiny bit.

“I don’t know if you’ll really get how unfair this is to you, but I promise you, I do. I shouldn’t put this all on you. The thing is, I was at a point where I almost hated sex. It used to be so much fun, and then, it got twisted. With you, though, it finally felt special again. Every time you touched me, whether it was just a causal, innocent touch or sex-related, it was- sort of like all the others were wiped away.”

Quickly, he adds, “It’s not just the sex. I haven’t been able to talk to anyone, not even Scottie, like I can you. I love talking to you.”

“And then, there’s just everything in general. Being able to cook for someone, falling asleep next to you, going walking with you, just sitting quietly with you, all that- I’ve wanted that sort of relationship with a man for a long time. All of which makes it sound like this is completely about me and what I get instead of you.”

“No,” Alex says.

He looks over in surprise.

“I understand,” Alex continues.

“Alex-”

Surprising him again, Alex interrupts, “There are things I get, too. Before I met you, I could go days without saying anything to anyone or having anyone say anything to me. I used to walk until I got to the same spot, sit down with my back to everyone, and desperately hope someone would talk to me.”

“When it comes to the other things- I’m aware sex and being in a relationship doesn’t make a person a man or a woman. They’re terms applied to people of legal age. When we have sex, however, I feel strong and proud and happy. Living with you and you doing things for me and me doing things for you makes me feel as if I’m a man, not a lonely little boy desperately pretending and being terrified of being caught in a lie.”

“Oh,” Danny says, and he falls even further in love.

“So,” he tentatively asks, “where does this leave us?”

“It’s up to you. This is affecting you more than it is me. What will make things better for you?”

“Alex, it can’t just be about me.”

“It’s not. Seeing you like this isn’t pleasant for me, but I don’t know what will make things better.”

“Let’s focus on the part about you not liking the thought of what I did for right now.”

“I don’t want or need to be with anyone else to know you’re the only person I want. If you want or need more-”

“I don’t,” he says. “All I want is you, Alex, and if- I wouldn’t make this type of mistake again. I just- can you really trust me? If we say we’ll be exclusive, and I go to a party or need to talk to Scottie about something or anything along those lines, will you believe that I’m not with anyone else?”

“Yes,” Alex answers. “I know you, Danny. You’ve never lied to me. You feel incredible guilt over doing something you had every right to do, and you told me about it almost immediately afterwards.”

As much as Danny would prefer a less logical breakdown of why he’s trustworthy, he’ll take what he can get.

Besides, he acknowledges, Alex wouldn’t be Alex if he said something along the lines of, ‘I know in my heart.’

Steeling himself, he says, “I’m sorry for doing it. Whatever we said, I knew it was wrong, but for reasons I can’t explain, I did it anyways. I don’t have an excuse. I’m just sorry, and I promise I won’t ever do something like that again.”

“I won’t be with anyone else, either,” Alex promises. “I can’t forgive you.” A look of something close to panic crosses Alex’s face. “That came out worded differently than I intended.”

Smiling, Danny says, “I understand. From your side of things, I haven’t done anything that requires forgiveness. That means a lot. But it doesn’t mean I can just forgive myself. I’m- going to need some time for that to happen, and I might not handle working through this the right way all the time. I’m apologising in advance for that.”

“Is there anything I can do to help?”

“I’ll let you know.”

There’s a stretch of silence.

“Could I touch you, now?”

“Please,” he agrees.

Alex scoots over, wraps his arms around him, and eases them down onto the bed.

Curling against him as much as possible, Danny breathes in.

More of his past mistakes are wiped away, but he knows the latest one is going to stay for a while.

…

For almost a fortnight, he spends every moment of free time they both have with Alex, and if Alex minds, he never shows it, but eventually, Scottie calls.

“You know that relationships require the participants to have their own space on occasion, Danny. Furthermore, you’re never going to be able to learn to trust yourself again if you don’t allow yourself to see you can, in fact, be trusted. Come have a drink with me tonight.”

He hesitates but agrees, “Yeah, alright.”

Hanging up, he goes to their room and finds Alex working on sheets of paper filled with numbers. Looking up from them, he smiles at Danny.

“That was Scottie,” he says. “I’m going to go meet him for a drink. Anything you need before I go?”

Shaking his head, Alex moves the papers and kisses him. “Have fun. I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

…

When the heaviness inside him is slowly replaced by light airiness and he finally starts to feel secure that everything might truly be okay, he realises how much he’s starting to crave Alex’s touch.    

They still kiss, touch, and sleep pressed against one another, but they haven’t had sex since before the mistake.

One night, after dinner, he leads Alex into the shower and finds himself almost overwhelmed with how good and right it feels.

“I love you,” Alex whispers at one point.

He manages to gasp out, “I love you, too.”

Later, when they’re dry and curled up in bed, he almost finds himself shivering at the pleasurable, resounding after-effects.

Alex touches his hair. “Danny.”

Moving slightly, Danny looks at him.

“It’s never been like that before,” Alex says with something close to wonder.

Nodding, Danny kisses him. “I love you, Alex.”

“I love you, too.”

As he falls asleep, he vaguely realises he’s feeling Alex falling asleep, too.

…

They’re in the country when Alex asks, “How long have you lived with Sara and Pavel?”

“Well, I can’t give you exact numbers,” he warns. “I’ve known Sara for about eight years and Pavel for about five. Me and Sara got a flat, not this one, together about a month after meeting. Then, we found a different one, and that’s close to when she met him. They tried to kill each other in a bar, she brought him over so they could do it in peace, and soon, he was dragging us to check out this one. Why?”

Alex doesn’t answer.

Trying to ignore the heaviness settling in his stomach, he says, “Look, Alex, if you want to find a different place, that’s fine. It’s just- it’s not because of me, is it?”

“Do you think you’d ever want to find a different place with me?”

Happiness floods him, and he moves closer. “I’d love to live with you proper someday. What’ve you been thinking about?”

…

They find a reasonably-priced flat, and after they’re fully moved in, they have a flatwarming party.

The doorbell rings, but from the window, Scottie says, “Let Alex get it. Danny, come tell us about this new microwave of yours. I think mine’s about to die.”

Briefly glimpsing a man with unsettling eyes in the doorway, Danny pushes aside his curiosity and happily leads the three to the kitchen.

…

Slipping outside, Alex makes sure the door is fully closed before asking, “Can you tell me the full extent of the threat?”

Walking away, the man comments, “You don’t seem surprised by an MI6 agent showing up at your door.”

“I’m not. I don’t know what exactly is going on, but I can read between the lines of what I’ve read online. England or one of our allies is under threat, and the circus is trying to keep the public ignorant. I revolutionised the cyber department, and upon my joining, the accounting department ran smoother than it ever had previously.”

“Hm,” the man replies. “The one with black hair, he’s Daniel Holt?”

“Yes.”

“Here’s what you need to know: We’re handling it. You might want to take that box out of your pocket, soon. Best get back.”

Alex continues following him. “You’re dismissing my potential to help because of my relationship?”

Stopping, the man answers, “Not in the way you’re thinking.” He sighs. “Some of us manage to have families. Mostly, the really good ones don’t. Without denying how good you are, we do have several others being reached out to. They’re good, too.”

Laughing slightly, he continues, “Nothing personal, Turner, but you never struck me as quite right. I was happy to see you go. Seeing how you looked at him a minute ago, that’s the first time I thought you might just be alright. Let me ask you: The question isn’t whether you want to help your country and what you’re willing to do, it’s specifically, do you want to come back, however temporarily, and deal with all of this?”

“No.”

“Good.” He nods to Alex’s pocket. “Again, if you want my advice, show him the rings, soon. Have a good life, Turner. Hopefully, I’ll be the last one to ever show up at your door.”

Alex watches him walk away.

…

Once everyone’s gone, Danny curls up against Alex in their new bed. “Who was that man who came by earlier?”

“Someone from my former job.”

Vaguely alarmed, Danny asks, “Is everything okay?”

He can tell Alex is choosing his words carefully. “The country faces difficulties many people know nothing about more often than most people realise. If I believed my skills were necessary against an imminent threat, I’d insist on being brought in. I don’t believe that’s the case right now.”

“Well, that’s good,” Danny offers. “Hopefully, whatever’s going on, everyone will be okay. At the very least, hopefully regular civilians will be.”

Smiling, Alex kisses him. “Do you remember we once talked about soulmates?”

“Yeah,” Danny answers.

The soft look Alex gives him makes his heart pleasantly clench. “I still don’t know if souls exist or not. Everything else you said, however- I don’t want or need anyone but you. Theoretically, there might be someone better out there for both of us, but you’re special to me. I wouldn’t want them.”

Moving closer, Danny kisses him and breathes out, “Thank you.” He nuzzles against Alex's chest. “It’s the same with me. I love you so much, Alex. You loving me back- I can’t really explain how much I treasure that.”

Shifting, Alex looks over at his safe. “I have something I want to show you.”

“Okay.”  

Sitting up fully, he watches Alex go to the safe and wonders if there’s any way his life could possibly get any better.


End file.
